Therapy Again?! Not today...

 I woke up this morning knowing and dreading having to go to therapy. By therapy, I mean physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy. Yes, it's recommended that I work with all three of them! I have been trying to learn my "new normal" after I had what was diagnosed as a Complex Migraine Stroke in August 2022. That day, I initially had pain and tingling running down the right side of my neck and right arm with a headache that was so painful. My wife and son made me go to the hospital ER despite my, "I just want to take a Tylenol and lay down." argument. Within a few minutes, I was losing strength on my whole right side and ended up being practically being carried into the hospital. At this point, I am now convulsing and my speech is so slurry that I'm almost incoherent. They treated me as a stroke victim and put me through MRIs and labs. They ruled out a "true" stroke... and sent me home worse than when I came in. I saw a Neurologist 6days later and was told she wanted to perform numerous scans & tests but since they were going to be outpatient, it could take a couple of weeks. In this appointment I was so bad she discussed the early onset of MS or some other neurological disorder but warned my wife that if ANYTHING seemed worse to get me into the ER and I would be immediately admitted per her notes. So, 12 days later I was admitted and stayed for 7 days being put through every test under the sun. Upon admittance, I had had a constant headache since the "stroke-like" incident, I could barely walk without assistance, my speech sounded like a two-year-old, and my strength on my entire right side was almost nonexistent, and I was so tired I could barely stay awake. And no physician or specialist could figure out what was wrong. They even brought in psych. Then finally, I was diagnosed with having had a Complex Migraine Stroke, Hemiplegic Migraine disease, Brocas Aphasia, and spinal fluid buildup in my brain. I was sent home with Depakote and told that I should get my abilities back soon. I was also told that I can't work or drive indefinitely or until my abilities return. It has been 5 freakin' months; 4 visits with neuro, not to mention, I've been seeing these damn therapists since early November 2022. I just don't see the point in working with them anymore. I have great days where I wake up headache-free and I have my right foot turned in just a bit so I'm limpy but I'm otherwise fine. But more often than not, I wake up to a wicked headache, I am slurring my words, I drop everything I touch it seems like, and I have absolutely no energy and sleep the day away. Regardless of the therapies I'm receiving, on the bad days I revert right back to my bad, initial symptoms. They are even looking at diagnosing me with Functional Neurological Disorder, which means "we know you have something neurologically wrong with you (aside from the Migraine diagnosis) but it's related to how the brain functions vs damage to the brain's structure." Ultimately, I'm screwed- no known exact cause or cure. Eff me right?! Anyways, my post for the day is I DID NOT go to any of the therapies and I sit here feeling sorry for myself. Happy Tuesday. Tomorrow is a new day, right?

 I woke up this morning with no night terrors or nightmares. Woohoo! I have dealt with trauma in the form of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse throughout my entire childhood and some of my adult life. I've been to behavioral health specialists and have since been diagnosed with PTSD and major anxiety disorder because of this. It's always a relief to not wake up shaking and scared based upon a flashback or nightmare that's related to what I endured. I am medicated so the nightmares/night tremors don't happen every night, but I definitely feel more rested, at the very least, when I have a night like last night. It's such a relief. Now in my 40s, I have other issues (health and legal issues) that have come my way that I'm dealing with at this stage of my life. Sometimes the stress of my present existence is just so much. And when that gets added to all the past issues; Wowza! It's almost too much to bear. I have never been suicidal but damn, the days that feel overwhelming feel so heavy. Almost like I have a constant elephant on my back. No, an elephant is not a heavy enough animal, and honestly doesn't describe the weight I feel on my shoulders any given day. It's more like a Blue Whale that I'm carrying.  But, every day I tell myself positive affirmations. Everything, I've endured I've survived. My life, as everyone else who has ever felt that their life as they knew it was going to stop or end, will go on. Life just keeps trodding forward. I read a quote recently, and I think it was on Facebook or Pinterest, "So far you've survived 100% of your worst days. You're doing great." The byline said Anonymous so if there is someone specific that created that quote, I thank you. I live like this; when the stuff that you're experiencing any given day seems like it's too much and you truly feel like they're insurmountable, tell yourself you're doing the best you can. Take things one day at a time. It's easier said than done, I know. Just keep being good to yourself and whatever progress gets done, even if they're baby steps, is great.

Why are we here? It takes a village...

 We've all suffered to a degree or experienced life-altering events that left our lives in what we perceived as something that we would never overcome.  Something that we felt was going to limit our forward movement in our lives. It's part of our life journeys. Whether it is childhood trauma or something that happened in our adult lives; whether it's something that was inflicted upon us or created by us. Of course, some of us have suffered more than others through this thing called life, and that's ok. Everyone's journey is unique but it's not a competition as to who had it tougher. Am I right? I created this space because I truly believe that if ANY given post resonates with even one person and helps inspire survival, evolving into the person you were meant to be, and thriving in your newly created life then these experiences are worth sharing. We all know personal evolution and the sense of thriving is different for each person. But let's start this together. With the hope that we can all help each other with compassion, non-judgment, and sound advice by sharing the strength it took for you to get to that sense of self-awareness and happiness in life.